Getting Irritated, I Realized: The Other Person Is Your Mirror

There's someone I go out drinking with. An older guy, same sex as me.When a dish meant to be shared comes out, he eats almost all of it. Not a shred of consideration. Every time, it irritates me.

Since I was small, I've had this tendency to live thinking I have to be a good person. So the unreasonable parts inside me, I put a lid on them myself. I couldn't see them.

But one day, I realized it. Of course the other guy wasn't around—it was when I was drinking alone at the counter. I love chocolate, and especially when I'm drinking whiskey, if chocolate comes out I order more, again and again.

"That's me too, damn it!!"

Even though I'd been irritated at the other guy's lack of consideration, in front of what I love, I lost myself and was doing the same kind of thing. Because I had a lid on, trying to be a good person, I couldn't see that part of myself. But that irritating guy—he made me realize it.

They often say the other person is your mirror.

When someone's words or actions irritate you, sadden you, make you anxious. Behind that emotion, a part of yourself you don't want to admit is often hiding. The stronger the binding of "I have to be a good person," the thicker the lid over that part.

So I look at the other guy and get irritated. Because he's reflecting back the self I'd put a lid on. I stayed with the irritation, not running from the emotion. And then I could calmly realize that the same thing was inside me too. Once I admitted it, it got easier.

Even now that guy irritates me. I competed once, eating at the same pace, but it got stupid so I stopped. Now I can see him as a lesson in what not to be. The emotion is there. I've just stopped being caught by it.

• The parts you dislike in others are inside you too.

• The more you try to be a good person, the blinder you go to your own unreasonableness.

• When you feel an emotion fully, you stop being caught by it.